Let the husband give to the wife good thinking, well thinking – think well of her; and the wife to the husband – think well of him. Plan well for her; plan will for him, gracious kindly thoughts, plans, and reflections. Be a well-thinker towards your spouse; be a well-feeler towards your spouse. Stir up your heart to love her; love him. Appreciate her; appreciate him. Have great fondness and affection, and show it. Then too the determining faculty is involved: do good actions toward her; good actions toward him. That is the word translated benevolent: good-mindedness in the broadest possible sense. It is a debt, but it operates at all three levels. Are we giving due benevolence? How did we think, yesterday towards our husband or wife? How did we feel and show that feeling and express it? How did we act to express kindness and affection? At those three levels it works. Benevolence is an old-fashioned word which tends to be exclusively concerned today with giving to charity or something, but actually it is a very large word, and kindness is not good enough. It is much richer than that. It is about mind, heart, and will being well-disposed. That is the command. ‘Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence and likewise the wife unto the husband. So we love.
Expel contrary thoughts. Should the mind begin to feel sorry for itself in some respect: ‘He hasn't done this for me; he hasn't done that for me. Oh, she does these awkward things that irritate me’, expel the thoughts. Think about all she has meant and done, all he has meant and done. Reflect on the good and you expel the foolish and the petty, because if you don't, as a Christian man or woman, you make yourself a prey of the enemy of souls. He is there or one of his demons of darkness; he is aware that you are thinking negative foolish unworthy thoughts, and will add to them, put fuel on the fire. What do we do to care and to help? This includes spiritual conversation, care, and encouragement, and it is mutual. Also shaping each other. Do you shape your husband? Have you influenced him? How long have you been married? What has God accomplished through you? Have you succeeded in shaping him? There are those things which you feel need to change. Have you had the kindness and the love to help do it? Have you had the capacity in the right spirit to shape him and pray for him? And husbands to wives: have we reshaped our wives? Not in any domineering sense, but by friendship and love. And have we had the humility to accept the influence of the other party for our good?
What does the debt of benevolence consist of?
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1. Exclusive commitment to each other. Marriage involves promises. It is a covenant. We have to keep faith with each other. Never talk about each other to a third party. Never betray each other to anyone else in word. Some people foolishly make complaints about their husband about quite intimate things. That is a betrayal, and that weakens the bond. We have a duty before God at all costs of exclusive commitment.
2. We have a debt of care for each other. Sometimes good people who have been married for a number of years, if they are both fairly strong characters and capable people, they forget to care for each other. They leave the other to stand on his or her own feet, and they kind of get on with their lives, just keep half and eye on the other. That is not good enough. We have a depth of care, of thoughtful care. That includes caring by potentiating the gifts of the other. One may be very capable, engaged in the Lord’s service very occupied. What about the other? What has the privileged one done to potentiate the gifts of the other?
3. We have a debt of love. We owe it. We must keep the flame of love alive. Love is not just an automatic thing. It doesn’t survive by itself. It has to be expressed. It has to be exercised. If you don’t think about it, love can grow cold. And then it includes kindness and courtesy. At the very least husbands, wives must always be courteous and affectionate. Particularly avoid self-indulgence. If you think much about your own woes and problems, or hobbies, or delights, or pursuits, you won’t have much emotion left to love your wife or your husband. Or if you are a self-pitying person – you may have a hard time in life. It may be that you have had many misfortunes, but if you don’t ration your reflections and you pity yourself all the time, you won’t have any emotional feeling left for the other party.
4. Then there is a debt of spiritual care. A husband must care for his wife spiritually; a wife must care for her husband spiritually. We have a duty to pray for each other. We have a duty to praise God for each other. If you praise and thank God for your husband or for your wife, you can’t feel bitter against them. Husband, wife, do you speak of spiritual things? You know what happens often between husbands and wives? You get to know each other so well, you have got nothing left to say to each other. You can’t think of how to converse, so conversation is just about little things. Well, think, and say spiritual things; revive spiritual interests and conversation.
5. We have debts and duties to each other, and one of them is to facilitate spiritual service. Here is how you can go against that: you can want too much, too many things, too big a car, too grand a home, too high a station in life, so that in your family unit all the effort goes into business, promotion, advancement, acquisition. And what have you done? You are doing very well, things are going splendidly; but neither of you are serving the Lord, or maybe only one is, because you haven’t facilitated it. If you had spent more time seeking avenues of Christian service for you both through the church, how much happier you would have been? Because you are bought with a price; and your highest priority is the Lord and the kingdom and the service of God.
6. We also have a debt to give pleasure to each other. ‘I have a duty to make him, her happy.’ Do I make life agreeable? Do I give companionship and friendship? Am I on the other extreme so busy in the Lord’s work – and that is good and commendable – that I don’t give her a second thought, and I don’t give her a minute’s time? ‘Do I give friendship, or do I inflict my moods on my wife? I have a duty not to do that.’
7. We have a duty to shape each other. If the shaping in marriage is just in one direction, well, it is an imposition. It is a heavy load, it is a terrible burden to bear. If he is always putting her straight, or she is always putting him straight, and it isn’t a mutual thing, that is terrible. But we do have a debt to shape each other, with courtesy and kindness and gentleness. But taking the shaping as well as imparting it is immensely important. Martin Luther used to say, marriage is a school for character.
8. Finally, we owe each other patience. We are probably not the same. There is probably a great difference between every husband and wife, or in most cases, in terms of their gifts, in terms of their abilities, in terms of the way they think. One has strengths in one area, the other has strengths in another. There may be a great difference in personality. We need great affection and great patience with each other.
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