We provoke children to wrath by a poor example. If parents are constantly quarrelling, that is highly exasperating and confusing to children. Certainly children of Christian parents should expect better, and so we should not be surprised if they learn the behaviour from us. Even the world used to say, don’t do that in front of the children.
Obviously you can produce resentment by indifference. Modern life in a big city can be very full and property prices can be such that both fathers and mothers have to work, and so we are short of time. Christians also want to give time to serving the Lord, and it would be easy to be indifferent to children, not to recognise their need of our friendship, time, and care. Children and their concerns may in this busy world seem so trivial and so tiresome to us. Not to suggest that we spoil children, but do not cause frustration.
Equally you can frustrate children by having too much interest in them and being over directive, and leaving them no scope as they get older for independent judgements.
Over protectiveness is a problem today. It didn't used to be a problem in the past when society seemed safer. In the past a child from a good family might be sent off for the day with a ha’penny for food or a pack of sandwiches and left to forage around for themselves, without fear of danger. If you heard parents doing that today you might want them to be investigated. It would be considered too dangerous. Children had freedom of movement, even if they grew up in the heart of London years ago.
You can over criticise and discourage a child. Children have developing mind, and they must dream some dreams and have some unrealistic aims, and they must not have cold water poured on everything they say. The child of 10 wants to be an astronaut. You do not crush children’s aspirations; they can only take so much criticism. You can fail to respect them as distinct personalities.
Ill temper and over-severe punishment will provoke. Horatius Bonar had been stealing apples from his neighbour’s garden and overheard his father discussing the matter with the neighbour. The man urged his father to thrash the boy, but the father said, what would I do if he told a lie? There has to be a scale of punishments. You have to be careful to fit the punishment to the crime. Never punish out of temper. You must be consistent with punishments. People ask, is the rod still to be used today? Whether you apply the rod literally, or whether you apply it figuratively by deprivations, remember to encourage as well as punish. An older generation is bound to be in favour of some degree of corporal punishment, but whatever you do, do it appropriately and carefully. With some young children I would think it is rather essential, however, it is reserved for serious things. It is for you before the Lord to decide how you punish, but if you punish physically, there's a certain age when that has to come to an end. If somebody is very reluctant to punish when a child is very young, when the punishments can be very measured and modest, there will be nothing you can do when the child is older; you have left it too late. Do not punish without warning. God’s punishments of us start gently and build up in severity if we ignore them at first. It should not be all guns at a moment’s notice. Father, are you a bully, who can never be crossed?
Children have got to come to terms eventually with adult life. You are not training children just for the sake of peace and quiet at home, to make your present home more comfortable. In adult life they are going to face systems imposed upon them and many restrictions. Many aspirations will be unattainable. If you have not prepared children for these restrictions, you are certainly going to produce a lot of teenage moodiness and resentment, and perhaps make them permanent misfits. There are systems imposed upon us by divine order and there are systems imposed upon us by society. You do not want your children to be forever disgruntled, full of self-pity, feeling put upon. To help train them, there should be no-go areas in your home, and children should not be allowed to trample anywhere, look in any cupboard and drawer at will. If there are no no-go areas who knows? – your child may turn out to be promiscuous or an adulterer because there were never any restrictions as a youngster. Youngsters get a credit card and go into thousands of pounds of debt straightaway. Were they taught to control their appetites? The little restrictions strengthen them.
Table manners – are they just cultural? No. Children must learn not to speak across parents’ conversation. They must think about the needs of others, and see what can be passed to others at table. It helps greatly if they remain at the table until the meal is finished and ask permission to leave.
Do not be constantly belittling the child or other people in the home. If you are always talking down other Christians and laughing at their mistakes, ultimately what are the children supposed to believe, if all these Christians you talk about are so hapless?
Do not spoil the child. This may happen partly through laziness and partly through pride. The parent thinks the children are marvellous and can do no wrong. To belittle them is the same fault.
Nurture is about what you do, admonition about what you say. You will have programs and systems to help train, duties for the child to do. You provide a framework. Duties will be simple at first: taking responsibility, duties to others. You want to produce initiative, tenacity, diligence, and unselfishness and you have to do it by a framework. Here are four ideal characteristics which we want for them: S.U.R.E. – Self-control, Unselfishness, Reasoning, Energy. SELF-CONTROL – children who have mastery of themselves. Some self-control comes through grace, but much has to be trained in. Teach them to see beyond the current situation. If you can do that, what a strength, even if they are not saved. They are not people who dive off, spending all their money, falling for every member of the opposite sex. You impart strength. Timekeeping is part of this. UNSELFISH – helpful, considerate, outgoing. This is not in the nature of most children. Some parents seem to think the best way to help children through school and university is to encourage them to think they are most important. No there is a balance. They need to serve also. REASONING – knowing how to think; the mind is able to analyse. We must help children to read, looking at the newspaper, discussing things. You want youngsters with a wide general knowledge. ENERGY – equals initiative, responsibility and tenacity. No one will train our youngsters unless we do. Maybe they are given rewards by parents, given tasks with responsibility, asked to notice and see things through.