This is the charge. If I die, and the light of this world snaps out, and the light of eternity comes on, I am brought before God, and this is for me the time of personal judgement. Well, if I have never believed, what is the main charge against me? There is going to be a charge-sheet, but what is the principal charge? It is this: I am without excuse because light has been rejected. I have consciously, personally, rejected the light. I wouldn’t listen; wouldn’t look at it, or take it in. I said, ‘Darkness is better than light. My own self-mastery is much more important than God or light. I do not want a personal God, even less do I want a holy God; I certainly do not want a ruling God.’
Before God works in our heart, before conversion, every one of us refuses to believe, despite our conscience telling us that we are sinners before God, despite our instinct for God. We prefer darkness, we prefer to be alienated from God, so that if we hear from friends, or we read or we hear preaching, and it tells us we are alienated from God, and we must seek him and find him, and leave the life of sin, we say to ourselves – but I want to stay separate from God. I want self-determination. I want to make up my own mind what I will do in life, what I shall have, what I shall be, what I shall behave. I do not want to be curtailed. I do not want to be ruled. I do not want to be directed by God and afraid of him and serving him. I do not want to be accountable, and to feel bad to repent of my sin. I want the freedom to do whatever I want. Why prefer these things? It is our corruption, our level of our sinfulness.